Walkin with my baby.

I just got home from a walk with Kevin. We only went a few blocks. I am glad we turned back when we did because even though it seemed easy enough while we were out, now that we are home, I can feel the aerobic impact. I know, that means I must be in pathetic condition - but hey, I did, in fact, just take a stroll.
Another reason I am glad we turned back is that even though it is 49 degrees out, Kevin started to get cold. When he gets cold, he hurts more - sometimes with traumatic consequences. Writing this, it seems I am portraying Kevin as fragile - and in a way, he is. But more, he is incredibly resilient. I looked at his profile a couple of times walking and felt really sad, a bit sorry for myself as well as him. I kept shaking it off so we could just have a good time.
Now we are home and Kevin is downstairs playing sax and I am writing this and crying. You see, the reason it was more of a workout than I had expected and the reason Kevin got cold so fast is that this was our maiden voyage out on the streets with Kevin in a wheelchair.
I have been begging Kevin for a year or more to let us get a wheelchair so we could take walks together. He kept saying he was not ready for that and now I understand why. It is a psychic shock. For a couple of years we strolled with Kevin riding his bike very slowly alongside me. He was pretty pro at it. We also rode together and those were our walks. Afterward, Kevin would go conquer a hill or two. But lately, not only is he unable to walk, he is unable to ride a bike! We never saw this coming.
Kevin's injury occured when he was 18, 37 years ago. It is amazing what that man has accomplished since then. He has ridden up many a mountain. he even hiked up some. He built a home and remodeled two more. He was an expert and highly acclaimed painter and cabinet finisher for 26 years.
He also raised our daughter and his two stepchildren with love and kindness - and with full attention. He studied to become a psychologist only to discover after years of school and training that it was not for him. He plays guitar, bass, flute, alto and tenor and bari sax. He is the unofficial leader of our jazz band. He is my lover, my husband and my best friend.
When Kevin was in school, not studying to be a psychologist, but to be a teacher on a later round of inspiration, he wrote so beautifully that his teacher saved his work as an example and used it as a demo for later classes. When our daughter Erin took the class she recognized her dad's style while the professor was reading.
He does have a remarkable style. I noticed that before we really knew each other. I pointed him out to a friend and said "See that guy right there? He would make a great husband" She said I should go for it. I said "No, he is not my type, but I can just tell he would be a wonderful husband for someone".
Well, at first we were acquaintances, then friends, then really close friends, then lovers and in the first early love, yes he was a wonderful husband. But when the magic lost its luster, a few rough spots appeared. And yet, 22 years later, we have both grown and so has our love - now, not only is Kevin a wonderful husband for a lucky someone, yours truly, he is also the nicest man I have ever known.
That is partly why my heart broke today, walkin with my baby. Stealing glances at his profile, unnaturally thin because of the meds he is on and the strain he has been under, prematurely totally grey, extra wrinkled because of pain and from years of sun abuse as a painter, a biker, a cycler.... So glancing at this man in a wheelchair, grey and wrinkled, I saw a paradox. My 55 year old husband with the heart of an eagle. With the soul of Spartacus. The Wisdom of Ram Das. The flip side, did I see? yes a glimpse - of an frail, withered and fragile person. I saw our lives heading too scarily toward that edge. That jumping off place. Kevin as described above and myself in desperate need of exercise and joy. I also saw us out laughing and seeing our world, picking up our crosses and dancing with them. It was a roller coaster of emotions and sensations, that walk.
We dont honestly know if Kevin will ever walk again. We both think he will. That this could be some injury of his paralyzed foot and not simply further damage to his nerves. And it is possible that it is simply taking a loooong time to heal some tiny unseen fracture because of the paralysis. Now it has been about 6 months on crutches. Yesterday was a very bad day. Today is mo bettah.
Yeah, I do cry. Kevin cries sometimes too. Once he burst out with "I don't want to be in-valid!" But we dont let each other see much of that side. Brave and strong. Hang on, and here we go.