Learning to Listen

When, oh, when will I learn to listen?

Am I learning? At all?

Lately I have had growing feelings of discomfort toward my bro. He is "rich and Republican". Of course, he is much more than just that and I love him. But lately I have felt the huge rift and been put off by it.

And yet, this morning when I noticed he was online and I decided to Skype him, I just jumped right in there - tho it did require overriding some very strong "don't go there" signals.

Perhaps the ensuing crash and burn was inevitable. Perhaps it was the old moth attraction to a flame phenomenon. At any rate, things sure got ugly.

Lesson #1: Listen to your inner voice.

Sigh.

Bro's first question was had I given the money for my daughter's scholarship to her or had I kept it. "Yes, I course, I kept it", said I, "and I am headin out now to shop - need anything?" I asked.

Ok, sarcasm - not the best response. Nor was my next choice - honesty. I explained that MS OM has had a prob with her bank card due to a fraudulent charge and had to cancel card then ran into a mess getting a new one but that I had just mailed same by express mail yesterday and that when it arrives I will put the dough in her account. Seems reasonable, eh? Maybe I should have left out the part about the $30.00 fee on this end and alleged $20.00 fee on that end which the banks charge for international wiring. It seems that somehow Bro decided that since my daughter is getting a scholarship from him (and his wife), that when I "waste" money paying bank fees, it is his money. I tried to explain that I had not wasted any of "his" money, that I give my daughter all of the money he sends her (and plenty of my own to boot) and that I would not take or spend any of her scholarship.

We have a long standing battle going about money. I told him about 20 years ago that I would never ask him for a penny. And I have not. It is such a huge issue to him - I just wanted him to know our relationship is not based on me getting his money. But now that my daughter has applied for and received that scholarship, on her own, I might add, it seems I am again vulnerable to scrutiny and condemnation.

Things sure got ugly there. My bro did try to change the subject by asking how my DH is doing. More specifically, how is he doing with his injury. About the same, really. He is on two heavy duty pain meds, completely unable to walk, unwilling to travel, and still finding joy in music and cyberspace and puttering.

Most peeps do not understand the situation. It is a terrible and devastating injury, crushed pelvis, crushed nerves, declared inoperable by the neurologists because of the mangled condition. Paralysis, pain, and for some reason it has worsened alarmingly over the last several years.

Well, DH was clever enough to throw "this is why we need health care reform" into the conversation. I should have run screaming then. But no, on we went, down the spiraling vibes into, yes, HELL>

Well, when we got to the part where my bro was waxing profound on the "fact" that the entire problem is due to frivolous lawsuits I could hardly stay in the room. In fact I left them to it for a bit, returning to say that frivolous lawsuits are not THE problem, that it is more complicated than that. Bro's reply was that if I said that again he was going to hang up.

Lesson number 2: Listen to what is behind the words.

I think that was a huge red flag that he was feeling really vulnerable and threatened - but I only saw red.

"Goodbye", I said. And so did he. We hung up.

Well, now I feel like crap. Yeah, he is kinda a redneck. But I do love him.

And what is worse is this sinking feeling that if we cannot even have a civil conversation about this, then how the heck is the country gonna come together.

I am tired of being told that I am brainwashed. And yet, don't I feel that "they" are?

We need to get to "We".

Perhaps it is hard for my bro to relax and enjoy his $2000 per week Hawaiian rental while discussing the fact that we cannot afford the next neurosurgical consultation. ( Not that I hold great hope there. I trust more in meditation and visualization at this point) And what was that, a little jab at my bro, there? Some judgements? eh?

So what started the nightmare? All this over exorbitant bank fees? What really happened this morning? I dont know. I wish I could fit under the bed.........

I want to help bring folks together. I see I've got a lot of homework to do..... Tell me how and I will........listen.

Walkin with my baby.

I just got home from a walk with Kevin. We only went a few blocks. I am glad we turned back when we did because even though it seemed easy enough while we were out, now that we are home, I can feel the aerobic impact. I know, that means I must be in pathetic condition - but hey, I did, in fact, just take a stroll.
Another reason I am glad we turned back is that even though it is 49 degrees out, Kevin started to get cold. When he gets cold, he hurts more - sometimes with traumatic consequences. Writing this, it seems I am portraying Kevin as fragile - and in a way, he is. But more, he is incredibly resilient. I looked at his profile a couple of times walking and felt really sad, a bit sorry for myself as well as him. I kept shaking it off so we could just have a good time.
Now we are home and Kevin is downstairs playing sax and I am writing this and crying. You see, the reason it was more of a workout than I had expected and the reason Kevin got cold so fast is that this was our maiden voyage out on the streets with Kevin in a wheelchair.
I have been begging Kevin for a year or more to let us get a wheelchair so we could take walks together. He kept saying he was not ready for that and now I understand why. It is a psychic shock. For a couple of years we strolled with Kevin riding his bike very slowly alongside me. He was pretty pro at it. We also rode together and those were our walks. Afterward, Kevin would go conquer a hill or two. But lately, not only is he unable to walk, he is unable to ride a bike! We never saw this coming.
Kevin's injury occured when he was 18, 37 years ago. It is amazing what that man has accomplished since then. He has ridden up many a mountain. he even hiked up some. He built a home and remodeled two more. He was an expert and highly acclaimed painter and cabinet finisher for 26 years.
He also raised our daughter and his two stepchildren with love and kindness - and with full attention. He studied to become a psychologist only to discover after years of school and training that it was not for him. He plays guitar, bass, flute, alto and tenor and bari sax. He is the unofficial leader of our jazz band. He is my lover, my husband and my best friend.
When Kevin was in school, not studying to be a psychologist, but to be a teacher on a later round of inspiration, he wrote so beautifully that his teacher saved his work as an example and used it as a demo for later classes. When our daughter Erin took the class she recognized her dad's style while the professor was reading.
He does have a remarkable style. I noticed that before we really knew each other. I pointed him out to a friend and said "See that guy right there? He would make a great husband" She said I should go for it. I said "No, he is not my type, but I can just tell he would be a wonderful husband for someone".
Well, at first we were acquaintances, then friends, then really close friends, then lovers and in the first early love, yes he was a wonderful husband. But when the magic lost its luster, a few rough spots appeared. And yet, 22 years later, we have both grown and so has our love - now, not only is Kevin a wonderful husband for a lucky someone, yours truly, he is also the nicest man I have ever known.
That is partly why my heart broke today, walkin with my baby. Stealing glances at his profile, unnaturally thin because of the meds he is on and the strain he has been under, prematurely totally grey, extra wrinkled because of pain and from years of sun abuse as a painter, a biker, a cycler.... So glancing at this man in a wheelchair, grey and wrinkled, I saw a paradox. My 55 year old husband with the heart of an eagle. With the soul of Spartacus. The Wisdom of Ram Das. The flip side, did I see? yes a glimpse - of an frail, withered and fragile person. I saw our lives heading too scarily toward that edge. That jumping off place. Kevin as described above and myself in desperate need of exercise and joy. I also saw us out laughing and seeing our world, picking up our crosses and dancing with them. It was a roller coaster of emotions and sensations, that walk.
We dont honestly know if Kevin will ever walk again. We both think he will. That this could be some injury of his paralyzed foot and not simply further damage to his nerves. And it is possible that it is simply taking a loooong time to heal some tiny unseen fracture because of the paralysis. Now it has been about 6 months on crutches. Yesterday was a very bad day. Today is mo bettah.
Yeah, I do cry. Kevin cries sometimes too. Once he burst out with "I don't want to be in-valid!" But we dont let each other see much of that side. Brave and strong. Hang on, and here we go.